Log in

No account? Create an account
I Love You [entries|friends|calendar]

Name: Amanda Lee Hooper
Age: 18
Location: Rhode Island, United States
Status: Single
Orientation: Bisexual
Other: Wiccan

User Info

♥The Chrittandryn
♥Buffy the Vampire Slayer

♥Closeminded people
♥Gross people
♥The hiv (hu-eye-vv)
♥Stupid boys

Made by xpixie_dustx
requests - yes
lycanprincess layout
version: Buffy and Angel
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

01 19, 10 - 04:52 pm]
Well that made me feel like shit.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

[try not to love me]

12 29, 09 - 10:07 am]
Walter is with someone.

Apparently when he said he wasn't ready for relationship he meant just with me.

Am I so nothing? Apparently I am as worthless as he has made me feel.
[try not to love me]

12 19, 09 - 04:44 pm]
If I can't be with you, I'll satisfy my heart by being your friend. How could I not?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

[try not to love me]

12 15, 09 - 11:26 am]
[ mood | crushed ]

I wish my heart could stop being broken for five seconds. I mean he's not going to change his mind. I'm so glad therapy is in an hour because then I can get it all out and feel better. Or get it all out and still feel madly in love with him.
Fucking Walter.
Why did I have to be your casualty?

[try not to love me]

12 12, 09 - 03:00 pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Everyone warned me against him. Probably should have listened. Didn't care though. Love makes you do the wacky. It's over now and I guess I deserved it.

[try not to love me]

12 10, 09 - 09:32 pm]
You make me lose my mind in all the good ways.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

[try not to love me]

Catharsis [
11 15, 09 - 11:58 am]
CatharsisCollapse )
[try not to love me]

11 14, 09 - 01:28 am]
[ mood | blah ]

Why is it that ex-girlfriends always jump back into the picture when things seem to be going places? Ok so maybe neither of us is ready for a relationship. And maybe we're both so broken we can barely take care of ourselves. But still, the moment she talks to him, he gets distant. From me that is. I started to let myself go, to let myself feel something other than pure...nothing. Other than letting myself be treated like shit. To like myself. To know that even though I feel crazy sometimes, I'm his kind of crazy. Maybe I'm too crazy. Or maybe I'm just lost and shattered, that for anyone or anything to hurt me, even minutely, I get my defenses up. My wall. I'm building it as I type this. I mean, I'm sick of hurting, so why not distance myself before it happens. How about after this weekend. I just stop trying to talk to him...or any other guy for that matter. Because seriously? At 22 I am so incredibly jaded it's scary. I mean the guy I've loved for years is married but you know after him telling me he loved me. The guy, who is absolutely nothing like Andee, and everything different that I like, is...so far away.

I want.

I want a guy who will listen to country music with me. Who will play video games and sit and read next to me. Who will hold me and expect nothing from me that I can't give him. I want to be able to riff on movies and music. To make stupid jokes and he'll still laugh because he thinks how cute it is that I'm trying to be funny when I'm not really. Who will call and it will seem natural and not awkward. When I sing a song that isn't fit for my voice he doesn't care and sings too. I want a love that isn't fleeting, that will last for more than a year. Who won't cheat or be an emotional fucker. Who will see I'm broken and in tatters and that that is ok. Because he loves me anyway.

But what I want is very different than anything I've ever had.

But as I go, I seem to be able to get closer and closer with each guy. But a swing and a miss. Because nothing comes of it, ever.

And always I feel like I'm getting farther and farther away from everything that ever made sense. Yes I know. Love isn't supposed to make sense. But love also isn't supposed to beat you so mercilessly into the ground. Which is unfortunate and also my predicament.

Do I deserve it?

I want to say no. But what have I ever done that proves I deserve better. Have I saved someones life? Nope, can barely save my own. Have I been kind? Unlikely. Only to people I feel deserve my kindness. Did I torment people? No. For certain I can say I have not.

Is it my lot in life to suffer?

Maybe. It makes the most sense I'd think. I mean my parents divorced young. 2 unsuccessful kidnap attempts. Sexual Assault. The fact that almost every guy I've know has found some way to use me for sex(thought I didn't really stop them). People in constant need to kick me when I'm down. And now at 22, almost 23 now that I think about...when my sister was 23 she was happily married. Was having a kid. What do I have besides friends? Nothing really. And don't get me wrong. My friends mean the world to me. But I need...more. There's gotta be something more than this. Because if there isn't...well I can't think like that. It's unhealthy.

Where I Want To Be
I'd rather be in Paris
The city of love
And meet on a bridge
That special someone.
I'd rather be in London
Under an umbrella
Running down the lane
Hand in hand with you.
I'd rather be in New York.
Racing through my life
Finding time for small meetings
In smoke filled cafes
Lit only with small candles.
I'd rather be anywhere
Than sitting here
With no one near.
Where I want to be
Is wrapped in your arms.
All the exotic lands
In one place
around my shoulders.

[try not to love me]

Wowzers [
11 09, 09 - 07:18 pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I must write. I spent today walking around a park in Lincoln with Walter. We fell down a lot. Slipped and slided and crawled on rocks. We kissed by the lake.  We kissed on a rock. We held hands and we laughed a lot. We found a random chair in the woods. I wish I'd had my phone so I could have taken a pic of Walter sitting on the random chair. It was fun. We saw ducks and discussed how jealous we were of them. Apparently the park is about 4 miles around and we walked the whole thing. We played frisbee for like 20 minutes and it was warm and comfy out.
I was supposed to be in class but I didn't want to leave. We were cuddling and also didn't get back to his dorm til 3am. We did not have sex, we slept and cuddled and talked in the periods of conciousness. He let me sleep with Sheets, which is his good pillow while he slept on what he called his "pile of bricks" pillow.
It started last sunday. He asked me to go over and watch a movie with him. And I thought...no...but I said yes. And I showed up and we watched a movie. That Jackie Chan western movie with Owen Wilson one. And we were sitting apart  and he asked straight out if we could cuddle. I said yes. And we did, but cuddling was new to me. Bryan didn't cuddle or you know let me touch him. And then I looked up and I thought he has a scar right there and I really wanted to know where he got it. Then he kissed me. And it wasn't just any kiss. It was a fireworks and toe curling and tummy butterflies kiss. A kiss that felt like it changed everything.
So for a whole week I've felt wonderful and pitiful all at once. Scared of screwing up something that felt fantastic...brilliant even.

I have to go to work now.

[try not to love me]

11 04, 09 - 01:36 pm]
Oh wow. This meeting is sucking the life out of me. I get to see Walter after so yay! But I am so not in the mood for this meeting. He just tore my article to shreds with his criticism. And he's not even close to done. He's being all nitpicky. Obnoxious. Aarons here with me. But he's got his lappy and all I have is my phone. I'm not going to my adolescent psych class. Cramps. And Jamie is taking me out to dinner tonight. He's taking me to applebees. Haven't seen him in like a year. I love food. I just looked at Katy Feist. She looks as bored as I am. And Adam brahm just got broken hearted over the closing of the virgin record store. Idk I can't funtion right now. Hurry up Doug!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

[try not to love me]

10 27, 09 - 01:45 pm]
I've made the decision to go to class. Beth was a freak today. Snapped at me like a five year old because I asked to sing one song.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

[try not to love me]

10 24, 09 - 09:39 pm]
Sitting in my car lisening to Sinatra and the rain.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

[try not to love me]

Bored [
10 14, 09 - 02:06 pm]
Hey live journal :)

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

[try not to love me]

10 10, 09 - 03:41 pm]
I think I'm ok now

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

[try not to love me]

09 12, 09 - 12:18 am]

Why does he follow her around? I wish I was being more social but it's hard not knowing people. I think I love him. But I think he wants her alittle. I'm drunk and beyond right mow. I'm glad iPhone has spell checker.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

[try not to love me]

09 10, 09 - 10:03 pm]

This is me testing the ljapp. It's pretty cool. Teeeeeeeeeest.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

[try not to love me]

Update [
06 01, 09 - 11:30 am]
[ mood | busy ]

SO I haven't updated this thing in a good long time. Maybe it's that time.

Nick and I broke up back in April. I really miss him. We were good together to a degree.  Just wish he made me feel wanted. Instead of just sitting across the room barely acknowledging my existence. It was hard to tell him it was over. I told him I had already cried for him. I lied. I didn't cry til he went home. I didn't want to make it hard on him.

I moved home which isn't too bad. I sleep on the couch due to the fact that my room lacks walls and a ceiling. I play FFXI with Kim and Dave sometimes.  I think my favorite part though. Is every morning when I wake up Dylan is singing Chicken Fried by the Zack Brown band. Its adorable since he's 5.

I passed all my classes. C- in math whoot. B+ in Personality. C in Human Development. And A- in Lating American History.

Ugh I'm too busy to finish this.

[try not to love me]

02 18, 09 - 08:32 am]
[ mood | coughing ]

I can't feel nothin at all.

Drug market
sometimes I wonder why I ever got in.
Blood market
Love market
sometimes I wonder why they need me at all.
Zydrate comes in a little glass vile.

A little glass vile?

A little glass vile.

And the little glass vile goes into the gun like a battery.
And the Zydrate gun goes somewhere against your anatomy.
And when the gun goes off it sparks and you're ready for surgery, surgery.

Graverobber, Graverobber
sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
Graverobber, Graverobber
sometimes I wonder why I need you at all.

And Amber Sweet is addicted to the knife.

Addicted to the knife?

Addicted to the knife.

And addicted to the knife, she needs a little help with the agony.
And a little help comes in a little glass vile and a gun pressed against her anatomy.
And when the gun goes off Miss Sweet is ready for surgery, surgery.

Graverobber, Graverobber
sometimes I wonder why I need you at all.

Mag's contract's got some mighty fine print.

Some mighty fine print?

Mighty fine...

And that mighty fine print puts Mag in a mighty fine predicament.
If Mag up and splits her eyes are forfeit and if GeneCo and Rottie so will it
then a Repo Man will come and she'll pay for that surgery, surgery.
Surgery, surgery.

Ugh my love for Repo! is unrelenting
[try not to love me]

02 12, 09 - 10:42 am]
[ mood | sick ]

my head feels kinda splodey :(

[try not to love me]

To Barry [
01 13, 09 - 12:26 pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I Got You. No worries k?

[try not to love me]

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]